Quite often I have wondered to myself, "What do I believe, and why?" Many people I have come across have had the same wonderment. It is a universal thought and on a deeper level, an existential dilemma. Too often our beliefs can be questioned; sometimes even shaken. Have you ever wondered why that is?
As I grew up, I did things certain ways and never questioned why I did them that way. A good example in my household, as probably in many households, is that whenever politics came up as a subject, such as an election year, I always looked for the name that had the capital "R" behind the name. Why did I do that? As a child I had no realistic concept of what politics was or what the difference between a democrat and republican was. I just knew, "You always vote for the republican". Many years and a Masters degree later, I finally understood why I held that belief so strongly: my parents.
I would hear my parents year in and year out talk about who was in charge of the town, state and even the country. Obviously, more often than not, they saw more value in the republican candidate. Of course, as years passed, my beliefs became more my own doing rather than automatic reactions to what I saw in my environment. Imagine a more extreme example: a room of 50 people and all are asked to raise their hands if they think murder is wrong. Anyone would expect all 50 hands to shoot into the air; again beliefs learned since childhood. Now if you were to take that same 50 people and ask them to raise their hands if they think sex before marriage is wrong, there would be a division in the room most likely based on different backgrounds of the participants.
So, how does what you believe tie into "shrinking the chaos"? To answer that, we must realize that each and every one of us, in addition to beliefs that help us, also possess beliefs that can hurt us. In the therapy world, these types of beliefs are labeled faulty or irrational core beliefs. No one is immune from these beliefs, and until they are recognized, they go on creating chaos we do not know how to shrink. Here is a list of the most common thinking errors every human encounters:
1. All-or-Nothing Thinking - Seeing things in black and white, good and bad.
2. Overgeneralizing - Taking one particular event and generalizing it to the rest of our lives, (e.g. if a family member treated you poorly you may think "Everyone in my family is rude".
3. Filtering out the Positive - If nine good things happen and one bad thing, we filter out the good and focus only on the bad.
4. Mind-Reading - Supposing we know what another person is thinking, (e.g. "I know he probably thinks I'm an idiot").
5. Catastrophizing - Sometimes we think things are much worse than they are, (e.g. making a mountain out of a molehill).
6. Emotional Reasoning - Emotions aren't always based in reality but we assume those feelings are rational, (e.g. "I feel like a loser, so I must be a loser").
7. Labeling - Putting a label to something, (e.g. instead of, "He made a mistake", we think "He's an idiot").
8. Fortune Telling - Assuming we know what will happen in the future which can create self-fulfilling prophecies.
9. Personalization - We make everything personal, (e.g. "If she didn't call back on time, she must be mad at me").
10. Unreal Ideal - Making unfair comparisons about ourselves and other people, (e.g. "He's successful; I should have been able to do that").
There are some simple ways we can begin to address these negative beliefs and shrink the chaos.
Step 1: Identify Common Thinking Errors (Again remember, no one is immune to thinking errors). Number your thinking errors from most encountered to least encountered.
Step 2: Challenge Thinking Errors.
Look for exceptions to the rule and gather evidence that your thoughts are 100% real. Through doing this, you can replace faulty thoughts with more realistic and healthy thoughts.
Step 3: Use the Franklin Reality Model.
If you wonder if your thoughts and behaviors are beneficial, run them through this model. The Franklin Reality Model operates on the basis that there are four basic human needs that we all possess; Love (To feel loved and to love others), Survival, Variety (Not having just one mundane thing we always do, but having some other things that interest us), and to Feel Important (What mark are we leaving on this earth and are we valued by others in this world?).
1. Identify your individual need (Love, Survival, Variety, Feeling Important).
- We all have these needs in our lives and if these needs are unmet, we behave in several ways to hopefully get those needs fulfilled. This is often when you will catch yourself saying things such as "I always get stuck at red lights, they are out to get me" implying that the need you have is to feel important and even the lights do not think you are important enough to give you a break. Let's say that we have a career woman named Jane and she sees on an internal memo that there is a position opening up in her department that would be a promotion for her and she intends on applying for said position. Jane is having a lack in the need of feeling important, and in her mind, this promotion would help to fulfill the need of feeling more important. She believes that if she doesn't get this position, she is not important and that her efforts at her job go unnoticed by everyone,.
2. Ask yourself what you believe and what you need to do to fulfill that need/belief.
3. Then ask yourself "If that is true, then..."
4. Behave based on that belief.
5. Identify the results of your behavior.
6. Ask, "Will this behavior meet my need over time?"
7. If the feedback is that the behavior will not meet the need over time, it is a faulty belief and may need to be changed or altered.
Through these simple steps, which become habit over time, you will effectively create new healthy beliefs, and shrink the chaos.
