Afraid?

What is your greatest fear? If I could hear all the responses, there would likely be a million answers. Another important question is, "why do we even have fear?". Then there are a multitude of other questions such as; "what do I do about my fears?, what happens if my fears are out of control?, why is my fear seemingly irrational?".

I hope to shed some light on these questions so that you may have a better understanding and can be equipped to handle the aftermath of your fears.

To begin, we need to start with the question, "why do we even have fear?". Being a mental health counselor for a decade, I heard from multiple clients how they wished they didn't have fear, and questioning what the benefit of fear is.

I would ask you to imagine yourself in the middle of a meadow or savannah type grassland. You are alone and you have nothing to defend yourself with. All of a sudden there is movement in the tall grass, but you cannot see what is the source of the movement.

Your heart continues to increase in speed, your breathing more rapid and shallow, and you feel bursts of adrenaline. You find yourself crouched and ready to run which is an automatic reaction. Then you hear a low growl and then a roar and see a saber-toothed cat leaping at you. You explode into a run and find a tree.

You scramble up that tree with more agility than you knew you had. The beast can't get you and eventually moves on. Your heart and breathing finally slow to normal. You climb down and breathe a sigh of relief; you have survived.

So, there is your answer to why we have fear; survival. Without that fear, humans would have gone extinct eons ago. We would stand there not aware we were being stalked by a predator, and we would ultimately succumb to an attack.

Now, humans in 2018 are significantly different from ancient man in that we look at our world differently. We don't have animals stalking us constantly, and we generally don't have the fear of finding food or shelter.

Many of the dangers that plagued early man no longer plague the majority of us. On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs we have achieved a place where we are able to focus on deeper emotions and psychic pain. This has brought on a whole slew of new issues with fear.

So the next question we need to ask is, "does fear ever fail?". The answer is, yes. If I were to just leave it at that, there would be much confusion. Allow me to elaborate by first defining what a fail-safe is.

A fail-safe is fairly self-explanatory; something that fails in a safe way thus not creating any auxiliary problems. An example would be your standard washing machine. When the power in your house goes out, it doesn't shut the water off. Why then doesn't your house flood? The answer is because of the fail-safe. When the power goes out, a gate in the pipe shuts, blocking the flow of water.

So, like the washing machine, our emotions have fail-safes. When it comes specifically to fear when it fails, it needs to fail safely and so it overcompensates. When fear fails you tend to see mental health disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and PTSD to name a few.

So, rather than fear disappearing completely when fear fails, it goes into overdrive. Instead of being scared of nothing, you are afraid of everything no matter how irrational it may seem. It can be exhausting, but luckily there are ways to mitigate the emotional fallout.

So, what are our major fears as a collective human species? Dr. Irvin Yalom identified four major existential fears all humans seem to have in common and worry about constantly without consciously realizing it.

He posits inevitability of death, responsibility after death, isolation, and meaningfulness. When it comes to death, it's not just the fear of dying, but who will take care of things, what is my legacy, will I be remembered, and what meaning does my life have? Ultimately all the existential fears stem from the fear of death.

That fear really becomes background music that becomes your soundtrack. Of course, you're not constantly thinking about your demise, but you will define things based on your mortality. These defining moments are intensified if you have had a near-death experience or extreme trauma where you thought you could be killed.

Often, people who have had these experiences tend to have "a new lease on life" and will do things with more meaning because they have a more conscious realization about the frailty of life.

Now we are brought to what we do when our fear fails. What happens if we have developed an anxiety disorder such as OCD or PTSD? Over my years with clients I have learned some tried and true methods that I have used myself. You see, I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and PTSD.

First and foremost, you need to find healthy ways to approach your fear. Our inclination is to run from it, but that is the opposite of what needs to be done. You need to ask questions; deep questions that require some reflection.

Examples could be "who am I?", and "what is my purpose?". These type of questions will likely create additional anxiety but work through the discomfort to help with meaning-making of your life.

Next, it is important to ask what your fear is trying to tell you. Just like the saber-toothed cat example, the human fear is for survival. Be curious about your fear and listen to what it is telling you. Address the underlying issues with proactive steps.

While you continue to contemplate your fears, reflect more to help determine how your fears directly relate to your current life. Again, this may increase your anxiety, but it will allow you to put meaning to your fears and put proactive steps in place.

One of the most important things you can always do in a multitude of situations is to take responsibility. Too often we go along in our lives doing the same routine and we can often feel stuck in a rut. We start to ask things like, "why me?", or "this is the hand I have been dealt and there's nothing I can do about it.".

It's time to do away with that kind of thinking. If you engage in that type of thinking, you are giving the universe too much power. Here is where you take responsibility for the outcome of your life. You ultimately have the choice, so take responsibility and make a choice that feels more harmonious.

One that I personally have found difficult in my life when it seems I've been slammed repeatedly into the ground is to remain hopeful. The idea behind this is that you may be having the extreme defeated feelings of anxiety and depression which are tiresome and frequently debilitating.

So, feeling hopeful gives the polar opposite feeling because you are just as capable of the positive feeling which in essence reduces anxiety and depression. It is important to identify your strengths and other positive attributes and even physically list them.

Good job! You've made it through those steps, but there are more to consider. Through these existential fears, it is imperative to work on creating meaning in your life. If you can't create meaning, it is detrimental to you now and in the future.

There are a number of things you can do to create more meaning in your life. This is one that all you introverts like me will hesitate at; develop strong relationships. Just the mention of that gives me additional anxiety, but even I will concede, it is highly important. Not having meaningful relationships is mentally and physically harmful.

There is a reason elderly widows and widowers have a higher rate of depression. They generally don't have meaningful relationships around them on a consistent basis. People who have a lack of strong interpersonal relationships have a higher likelihood of dying sooner than their counterparts who do maintain said relationships.

Another important step to take is to live in the here and now. Too often people are either stuck in the past or so Hell bent on the future, they never look at today or what is important right now. That's not to say the past or future is unimportant, but you can't change the past and you haven't yet written the future.

Learning from your past is important so you don't repeat poor decisions, and looking at future goals is important while realizing the here and now is what gets you to those future goals.

Another one that can provoke increased anxiety is to challenge yourself constantly. This means, in a nutshell, that we are all faced with difficult situations that may make us want to run and hide, but it is important to face these situations head-on. This helps increase the meaning in your life.

One thing that is hard for most humans as a whole is judging their self-worth. Most of us are taught to not brag about ourselves, but finding self-worth and finding strengths is not bragging. We need to break down what thought that both are synonymous.

Valuing yourself is so important and if you are feeling depressed or anxious, this can be especially difficult. To truly value yourself, you need to engage in meaning-making and fulfilling activities. Volunteer and service work is one way to help you feel more value and self-worth. Also, expressing yourself creatively will significantly increase your sense of value.

To reiterate, existential fears are worse when you feel stuck. This is why it is imperative to push yourself through your fears and not let them hold you down. If you feel it extremely difficult and anxiety provoking to move through these fears, a good therapist can help you.

A therapist who has been trained in existential psychotherapy will help you to own your responsibility and choices. Make sure you ask potential therapists that you are considering if they have a background in existential therapy.

Medications in conjunction with therapy can be beneficial. I need to be responsible about this one so I won't mention specific medications as I am not a medical professional but a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. This would be something to talk with your medical provider or psychiatrist about.

We also need to make sure we are aware when we need to let things go. Holding on to stressors we can't solve will keep us stuck. I once had a client who was worried about the fringe theory of the world ending in December 2012.

For months she was losing functioning because of her intense fear. She was so worried about her children. I finally was able to have her work on what was attainable such as spending more quality time with her kids and having more opportunities for meaning-making in the here and now. Well, 2012 came and went and her fears were relieved and she now has tools for the future.

Remember every person is different and not all of these techniques are going to work the same for every person. If you try to be proactive about your fears you will find something that works and it is worth continuing as you strive to shrink the chaos.